During this month of blog posts, I’d like to share with you some parts of my story and how I dealt with the pain of losing a loved one. These are excerpts from my new book, Walking in Grace with Grief Meditations for Healing After Loss.
As the first week turned into the first month, I began to feel a new normal take root. The hole in my heart was still ever present, but it seemed smaller and a tiny bit more manageable now. I had named it “Rick’s Space.” It was still tender, and I poked at it much like a sore tooth. It was empty, waiting, mourning, and wondering what was next. This space knew there was no going back, but it didn’t yet know what to expect. It just was.
I had to be OK with this empty space. I felt it, I experienced it every minute. It was right there, just below the surface, letting me know that there was something amiss. I came across a quote attributed to Rumi, that great, thirteenth-century poet: “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”
My wound was kept under wraps by a bandage of activity, mindfulness, healing talks over tea with friends, and lots and lots of body and spirit nurturing. But the wound was there. Even amid the activity and love of friends, my gaze was fixed in its direction. I knew that the light of Grace would enter through that wound, and so my gaze was fixed and steady. I was waiting. I experienced fleeting glimpses of that radiant light of peace and tranquility. Its hue was deep and clear and full-bodied. It showed its face when friends exhibited signs of uneasiness, not quite making contact with my soul. Through Grace, I was able to not take offence but instead to offer them compassion as I eased them into my world of pain.
I felt the healing begin to take hold. I could say the words, “My son died,” with only a momentary wince in my soul. Every day it was easier. I could see the spring green around me and I gave thanks that winter was receding. I remembered that at one time, I was happy and carefree and alive and full-spirited. Deep within my soul I knew that the day would come when the light fully penetrated my soul and healed my wound. I was patiently waiting.
If this post resonated with you and you would like to read more, Walking in Grace with Grief Meditations for Healing After Loss is available on Amazon or at your local bookstore. From my heart to yours.