learning to say no Archives

I hope you’ve enjoyed this series on Simplicity and the Art of Saying No. Yes, saying no is an art – and not an easy one at that! Here’s the last of the articles from last summer’s series. Enjoy!

Repost from July 20, 2014 A Simple Life

“A simple life is not seeing how little we can get by with—that’s poverty—but how efficiently we can put first things first. . . . When you’re clear about your purpose and your priorities, you can painlessly discard whatever does not support these, whether it’s clutter in your cabinets or commitments on your calendar. ― Victoria Moran, Lit From Within: Tending Your Soul For Lifelong Beauty

Simplicity means different things to different people. But at the core I believe it means getting rid of the unnecessary so the necessary can speak.

Not as easy as it sounds. Remember it’s a process of finding those things, people and events that bring you joy. And living there. Permanently.

So where to start? For me, it starts with figuring out the four to five absolutely must-do, must-be items in your life. We use this as the standard bearer and measure everything in our lives to it.

Make a list of your top 4-5 important things. What’s most important to you? What do you value most? What 4-5 things do you most want to do in your life? Simplifying starts with these priorities, as you are trying to make room in your life so you have more time for these things. See post here for an activity that will help you determine what those items are.
Learn to say no. This is actually one of the key habits for those trying to simplify their lives. If you can’t say no, you will take on too much. See posts here and here on how to say no and have it stick. Check Your Calendar and To-Do List. Pull out your calendar and really look at everything you’ve committed to over the next three months. This includes work, home, kid’s activities, exercise classes, hobbies, and social activities. Everything. Now place your list of the top 4-5 important things (#1) beside this list and circle those commitments that are in alignment. Here’s the hard part: cancel, drop out, back-out or get-out-whatever-way-you-can from those activities that aren’t circled. See how to get rid of resistance here.
Learn to say yes – to you! Check your boundaries. Are you leaking life force energy in an effort to please others? Most of the work we’ve done in taming the inner critic is really about learning to say yes to yourself – believing in your own self-worth – as you set aside those stories about what others think you should do. See these previous posts for help in filling in with your own life force energy, grounding out the shoulds of others and tapping on the stories of self-judgment.
Do your interior work. Meditate, tame your inner demons, quiet your mind. Clear out the center of your head and let your highest and best self be your guide. If you are not meditating daily, then find a way to do that. Take a class in meditation, listen to your favorite audio, sign up for a class in energy awareness (here’s one I love: Self Healing 101).
Do the exterior work. Declutter your home, simplify your work tasks, leave the dust bunnies undisturbed. Cut down on noise pollution, check your email and social media sites less frequently. Stop the junk mail, give away lots of stuff to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Give yourself space – literally! Stop Keeping Up with the Joneses – who are these guys anyway? I believe “the Jones family” was a Madison avenue marketing ploy to get us to buy more products. Don Draper, did you do this to us?? Stop comparing yourself, your life, your children to some made-up set of standards.

Guard your time and prioritize your commitments. Make a promise to yourself to put your time, attention, love and energy towards only those people, events and things that bring you joy. That’s the simple life; putting first things first.

I believe that we have a choice every single day of our lives in what we give our attention to. This past month we’ve explored the energy of “no” and how to make our “no” stick. As we move into Fall and all the activities that this time of year brings, let’s stay out of Crazy Busy and find ways to eliminate the unnecessary so that we make room for the truly important parts of our life.

Last summer I did a series of posts on Simplicity – “Eliminating the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak” (Hans Hofmann). The posts that received the most attention were the ones I wrote on learning to say no. So this month, I’m reposting them in the hopes that we all learn to eliminate the unnecessary from our lives.

repost from June 15, 2014 The Art of Saying No

If you are to prune any activities from your busy overly scheduled life, you need to learn the art of saying “no.” And yes, saying no is an art! It’s all about coming from your own heart, not leaking your energy out to others in shoulds and must-do’s.

For most of us, this is still a difficult assignment. Practicing in front of a mirror might make it easier. Say to yourself, “You know I’d love to help out with this project, but I just can’t. I’m way overbooked.” Or, “Gee, I’m so sorry, but I can’t take that on right now.” Period … end of sentence. You do not need to justify why you can’t, you just need to say no. Leave no doubt, no room for maneuvering. You want to be clear in your no while coming from a place of compassion and honesty.

Removing the energy blocks from your voice and throat will help too. As you say “no,” imagine the words flowing out of your throat in crystal-clear color, surrounded by warmth, honesty, and clarity. Saying no with clarity and gentleness allows you to stand in your own power.

Practice saying no. Write about your experiences. Validate your clarity, your strength, and the compassion you hold for yourself. Make your no stick. Make it permanent. Make it definitive. Come from your heart and mean it. No going back.

A well-known proverb says, “All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” Pruning your list of activities will result in new growth. New ways of being. New opportunities to be more of who you were meant to be. Weeding out the activities and shoulds that are not in alignment with your essence will allow you room to breathe. To think. To listen. To be present in the now.

So practice saying no. Practice standing in your own power and not leaking it to someone else. Know that as you prune back to the essentials—to the activities that are in alignment with your internal wisdom—you will blossom. Make room in your life for you.

As with any difficult assignment, validate your progress. Make a list of all those shoulds that you are ready to let go of. Write them all down. Look at this list as you plan your calendar for the next few weeks. Rejoice in your ability to set your own agenda.

I am grateful that you are here! Thanks for being a part of this journey of discovery – finding ways to live our lives on purpose and in a meaningful way. If this post resonated with you, please share it on your favorite social networks. Every share, like or tweet helps me reach more people who crave support in being as kind to themselves as they are to others.

A Simple Life – Redux

Making Your “No” Stick