finding your yes Archives

Saying Yes Meaning No is on hot topic! Last summer I did a series of posts on Simplicity –how to eliminate the busyness and the unnecessary tasks from our lives so we have time and energy for the important things. The posts that received the most attention were the ones I wrote on learning to say no. So this month, I’m reposting them in the hopes that we all learn to set boundaries and stop leaking our energy out to others.

Repost June 22, 2014 Saying Yes But Meaning No

Simplifying our life is really all about setting boundaries and sticking to them. Determining what’s important to us – to ourselves and our families – and not allowing other peoples’ needs to interfere. This is hard. This is difficult. And this is important.

Often we say yes when we really want to say no because we want to please the other person, either to gain their approval or to prove our worth to them.

Each time we do this we place more value on how they view us than we do on how we view and value ourselves.

Think back to the last time you said yes when you really wanted to say no. Close your eyes and imagine yourself right back in that same situation. How did your body feel? Did you feel energized or drained? Did you feel full of love and helpfulness or did you feel full of shoulds and must dos?

As an example, I have a hard time saying what I truly want when I know that the other person feels differently. I want to please them. I want them to like me. Every time I say yes when I really mean to say no, I feel my life force energy actually moving out of my body and aura and into theirs as I think, “Yes, I’ll do what you want me to do because I really, really, really want you to approve of me.”

Has this ever happened to you?

If you are leaking your energy out to others in shoulds and must-do’s, then you are depleting your own life force – and that’s not healthy.

Before you say yes when you really want to say no, stop and breathe. Give yourself time to think and ask yourself why you want to say yes.

Are you seeking their approval?

Do you feel guilty just thinking about saying no?

Does this yes fit within your priorities? (Don’t know your priorities?See this post.)

Allow your intuition to be your guide. If your stomach is queasy and your energy is suddenly depleted, that’s a sure sign that this request is not in alignment with your own needs. And there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Remember what the flight attendant always says, “Place your own oxygen mask on first, then help someone else do the same.”

Above all, don’t feel guilty about saying no! Practice. Have your phrases ready. Make a list of how you would say no, and use that list.

Simplifying your life is learning to let go of those things, those people, and those shoulds that are not life-sustaining. This is when saying no and sticking to it is such a powerful tool. It’s major league boundary setting.

It all boils down to self-worth. How much do you value your time and your priorities? Are you looking outside for validation or are you looking within?

Thanks for being a part of this journey of discovery – finding ways to live our lives on purpose and in a meaningful way. If this post resonated with you, please share it on your favorite social networks.

Every share, like or tweet helps me reach more people who crave support in being as kind to themselves as they are to others.

Last summer I did a series of posts on Simplicity and the importance of learning to live a life in alignment with your purpose, not someone else’s. The posts that received the most attention were the ones I wrote on learning to say no. So this month, I’m reposting them in the hopes that we all learn to eliminate the unnecessary from our lives

repost June 19, 2014 Finding Your Yes (Before You Say No)

So how are you doing so far? Have you found a way to say no and make it stick?

I believe it’s especially hard for women that have been raised to be “nice” to learn to put themselves first. When I’ve broached this subject with clients they often say, “I don’t feel comfortable saying no to a friend. Isn’t it the height of selfishness to say no?”

My answer to them is this: “Before you say no, find your yes.” Every opportunity is a choice; saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to something else − something that you’d prefer to do or something more important to you in the long run.

But first you have to know what your priorities are. If you’ve done a Statement of Being, you are halfway there. If not, then here’s an exercise to help you set those priorities in place.

Close your eyes and imagine that you had a magic wand allowing you to add 5 hours to every day.

How would you fill those five hours?

You might choose to spend some of that extra time playing with your kids or talking with the people closest to you. Maybe you would take an art class or find time to do tai chi or yoga. Maybe you would take a walk every morning in the park or sit down with your favorite cup of tea and a good book in the evenings.

Or maybe you would spend this extra time asleep! We are a sleep-deprived society and I believe a majority of these tired-to-the-core individuals are women, especially those that can’t say no.

However you’ve chosen to spend these imaginary five hours, they are your “yesses” – your priorities –the things you are missing out on right now.

As we simplify our lives, these are the activities that we want to add to our day– and until those imaginary five extra hours actually appear – we will have to make hard choices – often.

So write them down. Keep your priority list in the forefront of your mind. Validate that you are in choice every moment of every day.

Before you are caught saying yes when you really want to say no, pause and think of your priorities. Give yourself permission to say no with clarity and grace. You don’t have to explain, you just have to open your mouth and utter the one word, “No”. That’s all. You can do it gently and with a smile, knowing that you are actually saying yes to simplicity and living life the way you want to live it.

“In the end only three things matter – how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” ~Buddha

What have you let go of?