The holiday season is not always a time of candy canes and festive gatherings. For many, it’s a time of remembering and grieving loved ones that are no longer with us.
My 29-year-old son died three years ago, and I’ve yet to decide how I want to celebrate this season of merry making and good cheer. I don’t feel cheerful –yet. Maybe someday, but not today.
That first year, as I approached the beginning of the holiday season, I gave myself permission to set the pace, choosing those events that I could deal with and leaving the rest behind. It was my time to heal, and I found it necessary, for once, to think of myself first. I learned to speak up and set my boundaries.
I spent time alone in meditation, and I hiked our mountain road. I took our dog for long walks, read, and tried to be fully present each day, allowing the flow of thoughts to penetrate but not stick. I cried. I talked to my Spirit Son about how much I missed him. I wallowed a bit in why-did-this-have-to-happen-to-me.
Grieving takes many shapes, and it has many layers. I thought about my life and all my stories that are untrue. I had to let them go and accept what was. As Byron Katie says, “Who would you be without the story?”
So, I asked myself, “Who would I be without the story that the holiday season is about large family gatherings? Who would I be without the story that it isn’t Christmas if one of us is permanently missing? Who would I be without the story of candy canes and good cheer?”
I thought about gratitude. I wondered if I could find at least some little thing to be grateful for. It took longer than I ever would have imagined getting to the place of saying, “Yes, I have a room in my heart today for more than just grief.” I have a daughter to love. I have a husband who adores me. I have friends to share a cup of tea with and I have pottery to keep my hands occupied. I have a home. I have a dog. I have freedom. I have food. I have love. I have so very much to be grateful for. And who would I be without the story? I’d be peaceful and grateful and in love with those people and things that love me.
As I come up to the fourth holiday season without my son, I am still waiting for a new story to unfold; a new way of marking this season of magic and miracles. I am exploring ways of celebrating that are in alignment with who I am now. Every year I inch into this new-story and bit by bit my family is making new memories.
It is taking longer than I would have imagined to become comfortable with this new way of being. But as I walk this path of sorrow, I do so consciously and in choice. Every moment of every day I consciously choose how I want to be.
May you be at peace with where you are in this journey called Life. Namaste.
Dellal, this post came just when I needed it most. I have been struggling with the holiday; lagging behind in my usual Christmas rituals. Having lost my father only six months ago, we are dealing with our first Christmas without him.
Thank you for this insightful and timely post.
Thank you for your kind comment Kathy. Many blessings to you and your family, now and in the coming year.
https://sondasmcschatter.wordpress.com/2014/12/22/conscious-grieving-during-the-season-of-merriment/
Thank you Sonda for sharing – Kathy was a dear friend and she will be missed by many of us. I always valued her comments and thoughtfulness. Blessings to you.