Conscious Grieving

Why did Rick die so very young?

Some of my friends say, “It was God’s plan. We do not know why. Trust that God had something more planned for Rick.”

That doesn’t comfort me. It rings only partially true. Yes, God has a plan. But my belief is that we participate in that plan. It is not done to us; we are full partners with God in designing our future life.

Prior to birth, we call together our soon-to-be-parents, siblings, friends and colleagues. God is there too. We gather around a big “conference table in the sky” and we design our life.

We think about what our main purpose will be in this lifetime, and we design a life that presents many challenges and learning opportunities. Some of us choose to deal with only one issue; others choose many.

Everyone at the table agrees to be a participant in this Contract of Life. Some will be our mentors and trusted friends. Others will choose the harder role of being the “mirror,” the one who pushes the buttons and causes strife and disharmony.

Each will take on a role that enhances the learning opportunity on both sides.

This Contract of Life also includes the timing of our death. We choose it. We choose it all; the good, the bad, the easy, the hard. When we are satisfied that this Contract is exactly perfect for Who We Are and Who We Want to Become, we come into this world to live it.

If we live it well and learn what we came to learn, we are free to return to Life-After-Life. Those of us left behind must honor the timing of this death. It is not for us to say whether life was too short. It is perfectly right just the way it is.

That is the hardest lesson.

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A day after my son died a life-long friend wrote me this note:

Dearest Della,

You are no doubt in another world right now. One foot on this earth and the other in the realm of the loss you must be carrying in your heart, while everything that is Rick is swirling though your cells.

Your email is so like you, open, forthright, giving. Thank you for letting me know that your precious boy has died. I am so sorry. If I were with you now I would hold you for some moments to let some of your sorrow flow to me if that would be of any good to you.

Know that your friends and loved ones are thinking of you.

My love to you, Angie

She was so right. I had one foot on this earth while the other foot and most of my body went out into the Spirit World searching for my son.

I was out of it, spacey and not able to concentrate. I was not of this world. But I knew I needed to return to this earth and stay solidly planted here where I belonged. It was not my time to cut the cord with Mother Earth.

As much as I wanted to roam the Other World in the company of my son, I was needed here and now by others in my life. To re-connect to earth, I had to re-establish my grounding cord.

Grounding is a process of connecting the body to the earth’s energies via the root chakra.

The grounding cord is just that – a cord that connects each person to the center of the planet. It runs from the base of the spine all the way down to the center of the earth. Its purpose is to flush away all thoughts, feelings, energies that are not yours and return them to the Source to be cleaned and recycled to their original essence.

When you are feeling spacey, out of it, not able to concentrate, it might be helpful to stop what you are doing at the moment, sit quietly with your feet flat on the floor and close your eyes.

Visualize a hollow tube connected to your hips. It could look like a hollow tree trunk, a stretch of silk, or a heavy metal chain. This tube falls below your feet, descends to the center of the earth, connecting solidly and securely. Let yourself feel this tube anchor itself deeply and securely. Now feel the rush of foreign energy as it leaves your aura and returns to the earth through this grounding cord.

Feel yourself solidly connected to the earth. Feel yourself relaxing, releasing and returning to your normal state of calm, clear focus. Open your eyes.
This technique can be done anytime you need to re-focus and come back to present time. I do it daily and in difficult situations, I can just turn my thoughts to this grounding cord and feel that solid assurance that I am of this planet with both feet firmly grounded in present time.

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Everyone has a “story” of the way life is supposed to be. The story goes something like this: First I do this, then I do that, then I am happy ever after, or at least happy for a day. The story changes from person to person, but it’s always about the way it’s supposed to be, or the way you are supposed to be. When life turns on you, and it will, and is nothing like you thought it was going to be, it’s time to blow a rose.

In my case, I truly believed that my son would live a full and wonderful life. When he died, that story was proven false. He couldn’t live this wonderful life I had planned for him in my mind – a wife, children, a great career, barbequing with his friends, watching CU football with us, cheering on the Avs. That all went away. It didn’t exist. It never really did exist – except in my mind. It was my story of what his life would be like. You could have other stories floating around in your head. They don’t have to be so big and profound. The technique works on all your stories – big or small, important and life-changing or small and inconsequential. When you discover something that is no longer true for you, it’s time to blow a rose.

Blowing a rose is a simple technique. Close your eyes and imagine a rose out in front of your body. It can be any color, any shape, and any size. In this rose is a giant magnet that is pointing back to you. Now think of the story that is no longer true for you. Acknowledge that the story is false and ask the magnet to draw your story to it. Watch as each piece of your story leaves your body and moves into the rose. Watch the streams of color as they leave your heart, your throat, your mind, and move into the rose. Watch the rose grow bigger and bigger as the story takes up residence in the rose. Feel yourself growing lighter and lighter as all this “excess baggage” leaves your energy field and moves into the rose. When you’ve collected up as much of that story as you can, then blow up that rose! Watch it disintegrate and feel the story disintegrate too.

Defusing the power of the story allows you to return to the present, the now, the current situation, without the baggage of what could have been, should have been or wasn’t meant to be. It’s allowed me to look at Rick’s death from a new perspective. It’s not about what could have been. I’m not mourning that any longer. It’s about WHAT IS – right here, right now. “Could-a, should-a, would-a” are no longer a part of my vocabulary. I still feel the pain, but it’s a pain of missing him right here, right now. It’s not about all the future things that will not be.

So blow a rose and get back to life as it exists right now. That is what is so important.

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During the past few weeks, the tears have flowed regularly and voluminously.

Grief comes to me in waves. In the middle of the grocery store, hearing a certain song on the radio, or just a sweet memory as it passes by, all have caused me to break down and cry.

I’m not talking about the basic tears, sobs, a hiccup and we’re OK. No, this is deep, soul retching, gut tightening anguish.

If I allow myself to experience the wave, fully and completely, eventually it subsides, leaving me with a wonderful sense of peace, tranquility and healing.

Why? What is it about a good cry that cleans and cleanses?

According to an article written by Paula Becker entitled The Healing Power of Tears, 85% of women and 73% of men reported feeling less sad or angry after crying.

Psychologists have understood this phenomenon for some time. Now scientists are doing research to find a mechanical explanation for the healing benefit of tears.

Some of this research has been conducted by William Frey and in his book, The Mystery of Tears; Frey compared tears induced from sadness with tears caused by cutting a raw onion. He found that the tears caused by emotional stimuli contained more total protein than those that resulted from irritation.

Frey proposes that the emotionally based tears contained high levels of cortisol, which is the primary hormone released during stressful situations. This suggests that the act of crying may allow various toxins to be released from our body.

From a metaphysical point of view, when you cry, your loss moves through the various layers of your aura and exits your system. This is the “release” we feel at the end of a good cry.

What was literally attached to your physical body has been removed, leaving you calm, peaceful and renewed.

I have found this to be true for me. As grief enfolds me, I allow myself to cry. I experience the sadness and the tears for what they are – a natural healing process.

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